now that i know what is, how can i help but wonder what could have been?
your face lit up in the last rays of the fading light
van morrison on the radio and raspberries in our mouths, the 1 beneath our feet
a bittersweet dust settling on the draining hours
but we’re finally straightening out those curves in the road, and i am
making peace with the passage of time,
and sprinting towards forever,
because it brings me closer to you.
you asked me if i was happy and i think that’s maybe the most complicated question in the world
but with you, i am. unequivocally, without a question mark, an ellipsis, or a qualifier.
days spent with you are days spent without pause, without thoughts for anything but you/me/us and our most immediate universe.
so yeah, i guess you could say i’m happy. or at least, where it’s relevant to you.
i remember when i would get the occasional pinprick of euphoria
from little things you’d say
and feel urged to record the moment, as if it were fleeting
but now i am awash in that feeling;
i wake up next to it, i fall asleep holding it, i carry it around all day long
these thousands of little moments have stitched themselves into a cozy quilt
each patch a screenshot of the distinct moments where i felt myself falling in love
but now i’m tucked warmly under that blanket, and it’s safe to say
that i am reaching the past tense of “falling”
i have fallen fast asleep under that quilt,
and i have fallen in love with you.
i don’t need to see your perfect, gritty adventures
your rapturous longing for going and doing alone is enough to tell me that we won’t and shouldn’t be friends
because all we share now is a past
so again, i turn away and smile at the life i’ve built at home, one that is waiting eagerly for me to return
i’m not sure what it is that makes you feel so disenfranchised but that is a mystery i’m content not solving
remember that time you made my bed?
remember that time when you got up at 6:30 am just to help me get through my early work shift?
remember that time i cried on you in the shower and you let me pretend it was just water on my face until i was ready to say otherwise?
remember that time you bussed to my class and brought me the essay i had forgotten in my room?
remember that time you came to the library late at night to bring me a jacket and walk me home?
remember that time you helped me print my final and brushed away all my stress with a kiss before rushing me back to class?
remember that time you helped me pack up my room to leave?
remember that time you let me come to you with mountains of homesickness when i went abroad?
remember that time you saved me two boxes of my favorite girl scout cookies?
remember that time you spent ridiculous money early on just to get me christmas lights for my new room to make me feel more at home?
remember that time you sent me a customized box of chocolates for valentine’s day, even though i was being a mess?
remember that time you bought me a plane ticket so i could come see you right after i got home?
remember all those times you forgave me when i was trying to push you away because i was scared?
remember all those times you made me forget to be bitter and jaded?
hey, remember that time i fell in love with you?
today i read an article called how to tell if someone is in love with you. now, this kind of article often circulates facebook and is 100% dumb, cloying bullshit. but i read it anyway, because that’s what you do when you’re in love. you jump on any tangential chance to think about your love and the way it consumes you and seemingly forces your mouse towards the cheesiest of shareable articles on the internet.
but, since we’re going with clichés here, i don’t need hellogiggles’ 11 signs to tell me that we’re in love. i know it when i see it, when i feel it, when i dream about it and when i wake up next to it. it is a mutual state of being, this can’t be and is not something i’ve made up or even exaggerated. it’s been hinted at for months. we’ve both danced around and even dared whisper the word, perhaps because it has entirely encapsulated us. we’re both moving through a thick pink fog, trying to negotiate this distance and find our way back through to each other.
i’m not daunted by the fog. i’m not daunted by the l-word. love spells itself out across my face every time your messages make me grin wider than the ocean between us. in those moments, i feel it wash over me: yes, you’ve found it again, that wonderful thing that makes life worth living. this is a love i can enjoy without pause - for now, i know i am a capable, independent person who doesn’t need a partner on the road. i’m just relieved that you’ve jumped into the passenger seat.
i can’t even imagine how annoyed my friends must be by the not-so-secret smiles that warm my whole face when i glance down from our conversation at a message from you. like one of pavlov’s famous dogs, when my screen glows, i glow. when my phone vibrates, a little buzz from you, my whole body hums with happiness. it’s a rush that springs from the relief of stumbling across pure harmony with you. you make this coppertone girl feel like rose gold, and i know that what we have is priceless, even if it’s not anything i was shopping for in the first place.